Hawaiian Islands Cruise Kauai Port of Nawiliwili; Back to Miami

After Kona it was off to Nawiliwili.  It was here that both of us had decided to take our first helicopter tour.  If you are going on your first helicopter ride, it is best to book the one with no doors.  You will be so worried that you will fall out or even worse, drop your wallet, that you won't have time to realize you are already airborne and can't do a thing about it. 

Before the tour, we were both "discreetly weighed" on the office scale.  I say discreetly weighed as the results of the scale were not visible to us but were transmitted to a nearby desktop computer.  It was here that a woman read the results.  What wasn't discreet, was the expression on the woman's face.

Office Worker Reading My Weight From Scale

On our original phone call for reservations we were asked about our individual weights and were informed that Sue’s trim form could very well get her the dreaded center front seat.  Well, after almost three weeks of “vacation eating” and fully loaded with camera gear, Sue got the best seat in the aircraft, the right rear.  Luckily, we were also paired with two skinny newlyweds who got the front right and center seats.  Actually, both of the back seats are good but the final run down the Na Pali coast puts it regularly out the right side.  The pilot did a good job of turning across the coastline so my left back seat also got some nice shots.

Sue Climbing Aboard

The helicopter tour was fabulous.  The helicopter was a Hughes 500 and while I couldn’t tell a 500 from a 499.95 model, it looked OK to me.  Actually, these helicopters were designed for the Army back in the early 60’s as an observation craft.  The transition from military observation to tourist observation seems like a natural.  They must have made some changes over the years because the original specs were for a pilot, fuel and up to 400 lbs. of payload.  My math isn’t always the best but I know that by the time I’m fully dressed and loaded with camera gear we were already well on our way to approaching that limit.  If you add three other folks, we shouldn’t have been able to lift off.  Since we indeed lifted off, I can only assume that in its 50 plus years of service, they have made a few changes.

The Hughes 500 was made by Hughes Aircraft of Howard Hughes fame.  This is the same company that made the famous "Spruce Goose" that was the largest flying boat ever made.  The flying boat flew about one mile at an altitude of 70 feet.  That one successful flight gave it a perfect safety record.  I figured that, if they can make a boat fly, getting a helicopter off the ground should be simple.

Waterfall with rainbow from Helicopter

Na Pali Coast

We flew across the island’s interior with its deep canyons, incredible waterfalls and the famous Na Pali coast.  With no doors there was a nice intermittent 75mph breeze blowing through our seating area.  In Florida we call that a hurricane.  At several thousand feet, that breeze is also rather cool.

The old joke about a Scotsman came to mind.  It seems he and his wife were at a carnival where bi-plane rides were being offered.  The $5.00 price tag for the trip was just too steep (this is an old joke and we are talking about a Scotsman here).  The pilot approached the Scotsman and made him an offer.  If he and his wife would take the trip without screaming, the ride would be free.  After a brief thoughtful reflection, the Scotsman and his wife boarded the bi-plane.  The pilot did flips, spin turns, loop de loops, quick dives, and quick assents and not a peep was heard from the seats behind him.  Upon landing, the pilot turned to the Scotsman and told him he was amazed that he went through all that he had to offer without screaming.  The Scotsman replied, "You’re right, I didn't scream once…, but I liked ta did when my wife fell out".

Interior Waterfall

End of Our Tour

The helicopter tour marked the end of our planned excursions.  We were just one day away from our return to Honolulu and our flight home.  We were exhausted and ready for the misery that is defined by modern air travel.  We just didn’t know how much misery.

Our first two legs of air travel involved Jet Blue and Hawaiian Air.  Both airlines are wonderful carriers and are highly recommended.  Our third leg again involved Hawaiian Air and the flight from Honolulu to San Francisco was wonderful.  Hawaiian Air is the only US carrier to provide free in-flight meals.  On this leg they even added a glass of wine.  After 4 hours in the air we scheduled a layover in SFO at the Hilton.  It was at the Hilton that I scored my first Guinness of the trip and got a properly cooked rare hamburger with grilled onions.  Yum.

Our final leg of the trip was from SFO to MIA and involved American Airlines.  We had booked and reserved our seats four months in advance.  We have a customer profile logged with both our travel agent and American Airlines with a preference for aisle seats.  We booked aisle-aisle seats 12 C and 12 D for the two of us and paid extra for the “extra comfort” seats.  These are the seats where the airlines sell you the legroom they have taken away over the years.

New American Airlines Extra Comfort Seats*
*(spikes are dulled)

When we logged on for our boarding pass we found out that American decided to move us to a window and middle seat in front of the exit row.  These are seats that don’t recline.  They had switched aircraft and, even though both had the same basic configuration with seats 12 C and 12 D on the aisle, they gave those seats to other passengers.  When we called to complain, we were informed that American reserves the right to change reserved seats as they see fit.  The woman that answered the customer service line offered no explanation other than to blame our travel agent for the mix up.  She offered us exit row seats without the extra legroom and without the ability to recline.  Color me skeptical, but I didn’t see the solution there.  It was impossible to argue with her as she was coughing and sneezing so often I couldn’t keep my train of thought.  The flight was fully booked and she offered no solutions.

We tried for a resolution again at the gate without success.  We were herded aboard the aircraft.  I found the seats to be the dreaded DBASH type.  This stands for Designed-By-A-Short-Hunchback.  Quasimodo would have really loved my seat.  The chair back curved in such a manner as to jump out and hit me between the shoulder blades with my head above the headrest.  I looked forward to the next 5 hours in this torture chamber.

Quasimodo Loves American Airlines Seats

As they say in the infomercials, “but wait, there’s more…”  After everyone was safely on board, my phone rang.  It was a recorded message from American Airlines telling me my flight was being delayed by 15 minutes.  Just before my phone rang a second time, an announcement was made that we would be slightly delayed as they were performing “some minor maintenance on the outside of the aircraft.”  The new phone message was again from American telling me of another longer delay.  It seems that there was something wrong with the right engine and they were working on it.  Then there were announced delays because of paperwork.  Then there were delays because they were having difficulty getting the engine cowling replaced.  A little duct tape did the trick.  That stuff fixes everything.

I’m a big fan of keeping the cowling in place.  Bad things happen when they fly off in mid-flight.  Then there were more paperwork delays.  Maintenance personnel were on and off the plane several times. I knew they were from maintenance as they had yellow-green reflective vests with Maintenance printed on the back.  After two hours sitting at the gate, we were ready for departure.  My anticipated 5 hours of torture was now to be 7 hours.  “Please sir, may I have some more.”

I missed the safety briefing as it was shown on the “centrally located ceiling mounted monitors.”  By ducking my head, I could see the lower right diagonal half of the screen.  How would I ever figure out how to fasten that complicated seat belt?

After landing in Miami the rest of the trip was easy.  I tapped my Uber app and requested a pickup.  Sergio arrived in less than two minutes.  He was a recent arrival from Cuba and spoke little English.  My Korean isn’t so good but as a Miamian, I can handle enough Spanish to get by.  A couple of "la izquierdas" and a few "la derechas" and we were home.  Maybe Uber should start an airline.  They seem to know what customers want and have been rather successful.  They certainly couldn't do any worse than American.

Uber Airlines

Think about it.  Open your app, make a reservation, off you go.

So, we are back in the land of TWO-PLY toilet paper.  Overall, our vacation was wonderful.  As with any trip of this length and with the distances covered, a few things will not work as planned.  What did we learn?  Well.....

• San Francisco has an "Indian Summer" in October, and we could have packed fewer cool weather items.
• When booking on Pride of America, select a balcony room on the starboard side away from the dock, fork lifts and sewage trucks.  Port side rooms should be heavily discounted.
• Don't ever use a travel agent.  They just make things more difficult and they are no longer the educated seasoned professionals that used to have that job.
• Jet Blue and Hawaiian Air are very good airlines.
• American Airlines has succumbed to corporate greed where the bottom line comes first and the customer comes last.
• Never eat nachos with jalapenos before a long tour ride on a bumpy road. 

What NOT to eat!

Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, don't over-schedule.  Take some time to yourself to just relax and have fun.  You don't need to fill every waking moment with a planned activity.  It's a vacation, not a business trip.

ALOHA!